I Don’t Want To Be

Today, after I left swimming, I hopped into the car and heard the Gavin Degraw song “I Don’t Want To Be” on the radio.  Which is, by the way, an awesome song.

“I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately

All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind

I’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what I’ve gotta do or who I’m supposed to be

I don’t want to be anything other than me”

That song made me think about a conversation I had last night when I met a friend for a drink after work.  Chris and I were talking about the fact that after going through a divorce, you are kind of left stripped of the need to impress people all the time.  Divorce teaches you first hand that you will never be able to please everyone all the time so you might as well surrender the need to try.  You learn how to be more true to yourself than you’ve ever been.   You’re kind of left with this mentality of “This is who I am.  You can take it or leave it, but I’m done trying to be something I’m not.”

It was especially funny to be listening to that song today right after leaving the pool because at swimming I had a startling revelation.  After sitting at the Nissan dealership for considerably longer than I was supposed to this morning for a new set of tires for the Pathfinder, I was going to be late to swimming.  Rather than an hour and a half, I would have barely an hour of pool time.  I started questioning if it was worth it to hurry and get there or if I should scrap it, go home and do yoga.  I decided that since I hadn’t been in the pool for almost 2 weeks, I needed to get in the water.  Weirdly, I had actually missed it and I needed to do some long, slow laps.  I’m now determined to become the Forrest Gump of swimming.  So, today as I was challenging myself to go 1000 meters without stopping, I came to the conclusion that I have maybe, just maybe, started to like swimming.  GAH!  How in the world did that happen?!  I am officially a triathlete.  I am no longer an imposter.  I went the distance, a full 1000 meters in the pool.  Actually, it may have been 1050 meters, because I thought at one point I’d lost count and I didn’t want to cut myself short.  I swam the extra 2 lengths just in case.  But the point is, I did it and I really felt like a swimmer.  And…wait for it…I liked it.

That’s the cool part.  At my core, I’m still the same old Lindsey.  But my identity is ever changing.  I’ve always kind of considered myself to be a “jack of all trades, master of none”, so why shouldn’t I be a triathlete?  I don’t have to be great at all of it, but since I enjoy all of it, why not?  Don’t get me wrong, my first love still is and always will be 26.2, but, as much as I’ve resisted it, I have this new part of me now too.  The part that is a swimmer.  The part that is a triathlete.  I am multi-faceted.  And not just in regards to sports.

Swimming has taught me so much about myself.  It’s teaching me about conquering fears and about continuing to improve myself, both as an athlete and as a person.  I made the initial attempt at triathlons, just to take on a new challenge and look where that brought me.  Just like in life, it’s important to continue evolving.  Whether you’re married, divorced, single, gay, straight, a parent, whatever, we all change over time.  The key is to know who you are and be true to that.  As Gavin sings, “Part of knowing where I’m going is knowing where I’m coming from.”  I know where I was when I wasn’t being true to myself and I don’t want to go back to that.  But now, I know who I am, I’m happy with me and I’m happy with where I’m headed.

RRG playing the part of the Triathlete

RRG playing the part of the Triathlete

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Be

    1. lindseyjo1001 Post author

      Dude, you owe me so much Froyo you might as well just consider buying the whole store. Froyo tonight possibly?


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