I\u2019ve seriously\u00a0tried to write\u00a0this post a handful of times over the past couple weeks.\u00a0 Every time I start, I get stuck.\u00a0 The words won\u2019t come but the tears do, so I have to set it aside for a while.\u00a0 Hopefully this will be the time that I will finally say what I need to so I can move on.\u00a0And hopefully I can say\u00a0it eloquently, so it doesn’t sound like I’m whining or judging.<\/p>\n
My frustration is not for nothing.\u00a0 The topic here is one that no one particularly likes to talk about.\u00a0 It usually involves hushed tones, guilt, shame.\u00a0 It\u2019s taboo.\u00a0 It feels like the unforgivable sin.\u00a0 It\u2019s the \u201cd word\u201d.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s what I wish everyone knew about divorce.\u00a0 Very simply, please stop referring to it as \u201cthe easy way out\u201d.\u00a0 Please.\u00a0 I implore you.<\/p>\n
I assure you there is absolutely nothing easy about divorce.\u00a0 There is nothing easy about coming to the decision of\u00a0ending your marriage.\u00a0 There is nothing easy about going through with it.\u00a0 There is nothing easy about spending thousands of dollars on someone to help you split your assets, and more importantly the time with your children.\u00a0 There is nothing easy about coming home to an empty house when you used to be a full time family.\u00a0 There is nothing easy about being both mother and father in a household.\u00a0 There is nothing \u201ceasy\u201d about any of it.\u00a0 And until you\u2019ve been through it, which I don\u2019t wish on anyone, you really have no idea what this road of uncertainty looks like, or how to navigate it.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve heard it said that the stress caused by divorce is equivalent to losing a loved one.\u00a0 I think every situation is different, but I\u2019ve lost enough people I love to know that major life changes are hard.\u00a0 Death is a natural part of life and there is a grieving process involved.\u00a0 Typically during that process, people reach out in love, offering to help relieve the pain, even if just for a little while.\u00a0 Death is extremely painful to deal with, and there usually isn\u2019t a choice involved.<\/p>\n
I guess that with divorce, because there is a choice, at least usually by one of the parties involved, people don\u2019t feel as much of a need to reach out in that same empathetic, caring way.\u00a0 It\u2019s viewed as, you\u2019re choosing this, you\u2019re\u2026giving up.\u00a0 You failed.<\/p>\n
In a divorce, no one wins. If the marriage was the first or the fifth, if it lasted a year or a decade or more, if it produced children or not, if you filed or you were served, I can tell you that regardless of all of those things, it sucks.\u00a0 It sucks for everyone involved.\u00a0 I\u2019ve only been through it once, but I know without a doubt that I don\u2019t want to go through it again.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want my kids to have to go through it again.<\/p>\n
I know that anyone who told me to \u201ctry harder\u201d or \u201cbe loyal\u201d probably\u00a0wasn’t aware\u00a0that I\u2019d had those same conversations over and over with myself in my own head for years before I ever finally voiced the \u201cd word\u201d out loud as a possibility.\u00a0 I mean, for crying out loud, I completed a 15 hour race.\u00a0 I am not a quitter by any means.\u00a0 I am someone who knows how to push through and persevere.\u00a0 But sometimes, we have to look at the options and see that while we don\u2019t particularly like either of the outcomes, we have to choose the one that makes the most sense for us.\u00a0 By \u201cus\u201d I mean each of us, as individuals.<\/p>\n
The more I tried to retreat to a place of safety to process what my needs were, the more I was bombarded with the pleas to stay.\u00a0 Pleas that came from every direction.\u00a0 Everyone wanted to be the one to fix it, to fix me.\u00a0When what I really needed was space, quiet, and sometimes someone to just hold my hand and let me grieve that the life I had planned for myself had gone way off track.<\/p>\n
But the pleas were so loud it was hard to hear the muffled sound of myself trying to find my own voice.\u00a0 A voice that had been buried for so long that the only way to find it again was to go down a road that some people, not everyone,\u00a0deem \u201cthe easy route\u201d.\u00a0 Somehow I found my voice and it said, \u201cThis.\u00a0 This is what\u2019s best for me.\u00a0 Go this direction.\u201d<\/p>\n
We are human.\u00a0 We are not perfect.\u00a0 But we are also not meant to do life alone.\u00a0 Last week in church, Pastor Greg went back to the familiar story in Genesis.\u00a0 He\u00a0talked about how God created Adam and it was not good for him to be alone.\u00a0 So from Adam\u2019s very own rib, He created Eve.\u00a0 And He presented her to Adam as a gift.\u00a0 God gave them the gift of each other.\u00a0 And it is for that reason that a man should leave his father and mother to be\u00a0one with his wife.\u00a0 Our creator wants us to be united to another.<\/p>\n
But what happens when that unity doesn\u2019t last forever?\u00a0 Well, then you run out into the rainy parking lot after the service is over to retrieve the kids\u2019 backpacks so you can pass them off to the other parent who will have them for the next couple days.\u00a0 And then you wonder, as you are standing there in the lobby of Kids Crossing holding all the gear, if it is as painfully obvious to everyone else that you are in the midst of “the swap”.<\/p>\n
But what else really happens after the papers are signed?\u00a0 You continue to do the best you can with the situation you\u2019re in.\u00a0 You keep seeking to find an identity that doesn\u2019t include a marital status.\u00a0 You go on about your life knowing that the daily struggles are many, which is true regardless of whether you\u00a0are married\u00a0or not.\u00a0 Sure it would be easier if we could all claim a loving, caring, supportive spouse, but even of those marriages in existence that isn\u2019t always the case.<\/p>\n
I have so many friends that have come to me in the past few months with questions about where they want their marriage to go.\u00a0 Somehow going through the \u201cd word\u201d has made me an expert on a topic that I never wanted to know about.\u00a0\u00a0I wish some of these friends would stay together, I think others are better off apart, but I hope they all do due diligence to make sure they’ve done everything they can.\u00a0 I know none of them just woke up one day and decided \u201cThat\u2019s it.\u00a0 Peace out.\u201d\u00a0 It takes time to get to the point of brokenness that results in the d word.\u00a0 But the fact remains, I am not in any of their marriages, so I really don\u2019t know what it looks like to the two of them.\u00a0 I need to keep my own baggage in check\u00a0and not drag it out into their story.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve dealt with my baggage.\u00a0 And I\u2019m continuing to deal with it.\u00a0 But the truth is, it\u2019s still hard.\u00a0 Even after almost 3 years, I still have daily challenges because of it.\u00a0 Some are obvious, some less so.\u00a0 And for a large portion of that time I\u2019ve been in a relationship with a pretty fantastic fella.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to think I don\u2019t project any of my junk onto him, but chances are, sometimes it gets in the way, whether I\u2019m aware of it or not.<\/p>\n
I think I\u2019ve been pretty successful at the single mom thing.\u00a0 I have a job.\u00a0 I\u2019ve kept a roof over our heads.\u00a0 I get the kids to their activities on time (mostly).\u00a0 I feed them (sometimes with fast food).\u00a0 I\u2019m proud of the people they are becoming.\u00a0 I\u2019m proud of the person I am becoming.<\/p>\n
But I still get lonely.\u00a0 I still miss my kids.\u00a0 I still get sad when they go on vacations without me.\u00a0 I still don\u2019t like being the one to pay the bills each month and have to deal with the financial stuff.\u00a0 I still wish I had a spouse I could pass some of the responsibility off to every once in a while, especially when something breaks.\u00a0 I still sometimes think about being a traditional family unit, and I miss it.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t regret the choice I made, but this certainly isn\u2019t where I thought I would end up when my dad walked me down the aisle almost 15 years ago.\u00a0 Every time we are presented with a choice, we are at a fork in the road, but the options are not labeled “hard” and “easy”.\u00a0 Either direction we choose will present its own set of challenges.\u00a0 And unless you\u2019re on\u00a0a specific\u00a0path, you really have no idea what those challenges will be.\u00a0 So, here I am, on this path, I’m sure its easier than some.\u00a0 And I’m figuring it out as I go.\u00a0 Just like everybody else.\u00a0 Some days are smooth, some days aren’t.\u00a0I’ll take the obstacles as they come.\u00a0 And I’ll just keep going.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s the saying about walking a mile in someone else\u2019s shoes? I guess if you want to come take a spin in my shoes to see how easy it is, you\u2019re more than welcome to.\u00a0 I mean, I work at a running store.\u00a0 I do have a few extra pairs.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*One additional note, tomorrow would be my parents 43rd<\/sup> wedding anniversary.\u00a0 I know that in the almost 30 years that they had together, they had their share of challenges.\u00a0 But I am thankful for their example of what a healthy marriage looks like. \u00a0I don\u2019t know if I will ever have a marriage like theirs, but I know that if I do, it will transcend time and space and even death.\u00a0 Thank you, Mom and Dad, for your example of love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ve seriously\u00a0tried to write\u00a0this post a handful of times over the past couple weeks.\u00a0 Every time I start, I get stuck.\u00a0 The words won\u2019t come but the tears do, so I have to set it aside for a while.\u00a0 Hopefully this will be the time that I will finally say what I need to so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"aside","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,8,5,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-688","post","type-post","status-publish","format-aside","hentry","category-onbeingasingleparent","category-onthedword","category-randomthoughts","category-uncategorized","post_format-post-format-aside"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4eO4v-b6","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/688","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=688"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/688\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":690,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/688\/revisions\/690"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=688"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=688"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=688"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}