Life is hard.\u00a0 Being a parent is hard.\u00a0 Nobody ever promised that either one would be easy.\u00a0 However, sometimes you get smacked in the face with just how hard the combination of these things can be.<\/p>\n
This year I am embarking on two of the hardest things that I never thought I would do.\u00a0 Training for an Ironman and learning to be a single mom.\u00a0 Yep, I said \u201clearning\u201d.\u00a0 Even though it\u2019s been almost two years since I got the official decree pronouncing me \u201csingle\u201d, I still feel like I\u2019m going through a learning process.\u00a0 But I guess that just comes with being a parent in general since babies aren\u2019t born with a guide book on all the decisions you will have to make for them, and which decisions will be right.\u00a0 Being a parent is hard enough when you have a loving, supportive spouse there blazing the trail\u00a0beside you.\u00a0 But no matter how many supportive people you have in your life, when you\u2019re a single parent, some things you just have to get through on your own.<\/p>\n
A couple weeks ago, I met Vega for pancakes one morning and we had the conversation we\u2019ve had so many times before.\u00a0 We talked about our kids and the struggles some of them are facing.\u00a0 We both agreed that the first year after a divorce with small kids is all about survival.\u00a0 You keep putting one foot in front of the other and\u00a0do whatever you have to do in order to get through each day,\u00a0including occasionally allowing the kids to eat cereal for dinner.\u00a0 Or popcorn.\u00a0 Or pudding.\u00a0 Not because you don\u2019t have food in the pantry or because you aren\u2019t capable of cooking, but more so because you are too exhausted to even make a decision about what to feed them.\u00a0 And so, cereal it is.\u00a0 Of course, if I\u2019m being honest, those nights don\u2019t just apply to the first year.\u00a0 Nor do they apply only to single parents.\u00a0 Sometimes we just have to survive parenthood any way we can.<\/p>\n
That particular day though, when I sat down in the booth across from Wes, he tossed a couple 20\u2019s across the table to me to pay me back for something I had picked up for him at the expo a while back.\u00a0 I don\u2019t typically like taking anyone\u2019s money, in fact, I love giving presents, but I almost jumped with glee at the sight of those bills.\u00a0 You see, April was not kind to me.\u00a0 In fairness, I shouldn\u2019t blame April, but rather the FICA guys who took all my money on April 15.\u00a0 I got hit harder this year than expected and I had to pull from several accounts to make things work.\u00a0 Not only did I owe for last year, my quarterly estimates for this year were even higher.\u00a0\u00a0 My safety net is now gone and at the time Wes gave me those 20\u2019s, I was down to my last $35 dollars until payday on the 30th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Needless to say, things were tight.\u00a0 But the good news is I made it.\u00a0 All on my own.<\/p>\n In the midst of the financial stress came the proposal to have one of my kiddos repeat his current grade.\u00a0 You can mark that near the top of the list of decisions that no parent ever wants to be faced with.\u00a0 My Ethan. \u00a0My sweet, smart, unique, wonderful Ethan.\u00a0 Did I fail him as a mom pushing him into school too soon?\u00a0 Will this break his beautiful spirit?\u00a0 The worst part was not knowing how he would react.\u00a0 And causing my children pain is the last thing I ever want to do.<\/p>\n Even when we know without a shadow of a doubt that something is the right decision, it can be so paralyzingly difficult to follow through with it.\u00a0 The past few weeks, I\u2019ve spoken with various friends who have done the same.\u00a0 I sought counsel from my best friend in the world; Britta is an educator, has her Master\u2019s in Counseling and has known Ethan since birth.\u00a0 Her insight was priceless.\u00a0 But even with all of the signs pointing to \u201cYes, Do this\u201d it was still agonizingly emotional.<\/p>\n Monday was Ethan\u2019s 9th<\/sup> birthday.\u00a0 He was over the moon about his new bearded dragon, who he has named Spike.\u00a0 And I let him play hooky from school on Monday to spend the day playing with me and Grandma.\u00a0 Tuesday he requested a Cookie-Cake to share with his friends in his class.\u00a0 So, after I dropped the kids at school, I drove back up Manchester to Dierberg\u2019s to accommodate his request.\u00a0 Then, back over to school.\u00a0 At the door of Mrs. Hackman\u2019s 3rd<\/sup> grade classroom, I handed off the giant cookie with the green letters \u201cHappy 9th<\/sup> Birthday Ethan\u201d scripted across it.\u00a0 As she closed the door, she caught my eye and said quietly, \u201cPray for us later today\u201d and I responded, \u201cOf course.\u00a0 I need it too\u201d.\u00a0 Side note-you\u2019re allowed to say things like that in a small, private school.<\/p>\n And so I left the school with tears in my eyes, the little dude who was so excited about his new pet and his oversized cookie was about to have a conversation that could go well or really bad.\u00a0 It\u2019s just not fair that kids have to learn so early that with the joy in life, there also comes pain and struggles and obstacles that sometimes feel mountainous.\u00a0 It\u2019s not fair that they have to learn life isn\u2019t fair.<\/p>\n I called my brother.\u00a0 I sometimes forget that I am 7 years his senior because the wisdom that oozes out of that kid is profound.\u00a0 As always, his insight made me cry and feel better at the same time.\u00a0 He kept saying \u201cGood job, Mom.\u00a0 What you\u2019re doing is so great for this dude.\u201d\u00a0 How is it possible that I can be a great mom but feel so wrecked on the inside at the same time?<\/p>\n I needed to relieve some of my anxiety so I did the only thing I know to do at times like that.\u00a0 I threw on my shoes and hit the trail.\u00a0 I drove over to the Al Foster trail head, which has been the chosen start point on so many tough days lately.<\/p>\n The weather couldn\u2019t have been more perfect for a run.\u00a0 The temp was only high 50\u2019s and there was a light mist in the air.\u00a0 I ran along the wide part of the path between the Meremac River and the mini train tracks.\u00a0 About 2 miles in, I arrived at Sherman Beach where I made a sharp left turn.\u00a0 The trail narrows there and heads into the woods.\u00a0 Everything is so lush now from all of the rain we\u2019ve had.\u00a0 The greenery was thicker.\u00a0 There was a tree down across the trail.\u00a0 The puddles were more frequent and harder to avoid.\u00a0 The branches were overgrown so I had to duck and dodge branches, even using my hands to push them out of the way.\u00a0 There were points where I couldn\u2019t even really see beyond what was right in front of me.\u00a0 As I got to the other end of Sherman Beach and entered Castlewood, it was even more muddy and hard to see.\u00a0 And once I got to the underpass to the other side of the train tracks, I decided it was time to turn around and go back.\u00a0 Back through the muddy puddles and the overgrown brush.\u00a0 Back over the tree crossing the trail.\u00a0 Back to the Sherman Beach parking lot.\u00a0 Sharp right turn and back onto the wide path.\u00a0 The rain would pick up and then stop.\u00a0 The sun even tried to make and appearance at one point when I was at a clearing and I looked around for a rainbow, but no luck.\u00a0 I looked up to see a guy running about 50 yards ahead of me.\u00a0 And then I realized I hadn\u2019t seen anyone else out there since a couple of walkers with their dogs in the first mile.\u00a0 I ran behind him, gradually decreasing the distance between us until we neared the parking lot where he continued on and I slowed to a walk.\u00a0 As I approached the car, I could see the reflection of my tear-stained, sweat-stained, dirt-stained face.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t look anxious anymore.\u00a0 I was ready to face whatever would come from that day.<\/p>\n As we prepare to enter the summer months, I am facing a schedule that will make training for an Ironman even more difficult.\u00a0 I will have my kids for the better part of June, which is great, but with school ending and the kids at home most of the time, I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019ll manage those century rides I need to be doing.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll have to hook the bike back up to the trainer.<\/p>\n But here\u2019s what I\u2019ve figured out recently.\u00a0 Life is so full of stuff to stress about, why am I going to stress about something that is supposed to be fun?\u00a0 I\u2019ll bike and swim whenever I can.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll run as much as I can because of the joy it brings me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve said it before, my training doesn\u2019t look like anyone else\u2019s because neither does my life.\u00a0 The only thing my life has in common with anyone else\u2019s is that it\u2019s messy.\u00a0 My training doesn\u2019t look perfect, but neither does my life.\u00a0 I\u2019m still just getting by the best I can.\u00a0 But ya know what, I\u2019m doing it.\u00a0 And I\u2019m not giving up.\u00a0 And that right there is the best Ironman training there is.<\/p>\n My run at Al Foster the other day was so symbolic of life.\u00a0 Sometimes the path is wide and clear, sometimes it\u2019s messy, muddy and unclear.\u00a0 We can’t see beyond what is right in front of us.\u00a0 With all the obstacles in our way, we\u00a0second guess and wonder if\u00a0we should give up and turn around.\u00a0 But we go it alone and press on, because what else are you gonna do?\u00a0 Eventually, the path opens up and the way is clear again.\u00a0 And just because\u00a0you can\u2019t see the rainbow, doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n I\u2019m so proud to report that Ethan is very excited about \u201cstaying in 3rd<\/sup> grade\u201d.\u00a0 He gets to continue on with his amazing teacher and join several of his friends who have already turned 9. \u00a0I could not be more proud of my little man. My kiddo is being the strong one carrying his mom through this transition and he\u2019s teaching me a few things in the process.\u00a0 He\u2019s already reminded me that life is short, so let\u2019s focus less on some prepackaged version of being perfect and focus more on appreciating the little things and just being joyful in a crazy, uncertain, messy, beautiful life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Life is hard.\u00a0 Being a parent is hard.\u00a0 Nobody ever promised that either one would be easy.\u00a0 However, sometimes you get smacked in the face with just how hard the combination of these things can be. This year I am embarking on two of the hardest things that I never thought I would do.\u00a0 Training […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"aside","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-aside","hentry","category-randomthoughts","post_format-post-format-aside"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4eO4v-a9","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=629"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/629\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":650,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/629\/revisions\/650"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}