{"id":353,"date":"2013-07-08T20:30:28","date_gmt":"2013-07-08T20:30:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/?p=353"},"modified":"2013-07-18T19:00:02","modified_gmt":"2013-07-18T19:00:02","slug":"confessions-of-a-single-mom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/?p=353","title":{"rendered":"Confessions of a Single Mom…"},"content":{"rendered":"

I really believe that what doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger.<\/p>\n

Being a single parent is the hardest thing I\u2019ve ever done in my entire life.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I feel like I don\u2019t have a clue what I\u2019m doing.<\/p>\n

I can be very resourceful.<\/p>\n

I love being the girl who knows how to fix stuff.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I forget to pay a bill on time.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I remember about the bill, but it\u2019s late anyway because I don\u2019t have enough in my bank account to cover it.<\/p>\n

I freak out when I can\u2019t find a sitter to watch my kids so that I can go to work.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had to take at least one kid with me to work and have him hang out in the back room with the ipad.<\/p>\n

I am so grateful for my awesome neighbor, Stephanie, who sometimes watches my kids and then she makes it seem like I pay her back when I watch her daughter for 10 minutes.<\/p>\n

Sometimes when I\u2019m stressed I yell at my kids.<\/p>\n

I immediately feel guilty when I yell at my kids.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I let my kids eat popcorn and ice cream for dinner because I just don\u2019t have the energy to prepare anything.<\/p>\n

I am always tired.<\/p>\n

I stay up way too late, even though I\u2019m always tired.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible to feel lonely in a house full of noisy children.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I wonder if I should have sucked it up and stayed in an unhappy marriage, just so I wouldn\u2019t be so lonely.<\/p>\n

I miss my kids when they go to their dad\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I get can\u2019t wait to give the kids back to their dad, so I can have a break.<\/p>\n

Even though I chose this life, sometimes the loneliness is almost unbearable.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m talking sit in the car in the garage to avoid going into an empty house lonely.\u00a0 Like, wrap up in a blanket and fall asleep on the couch with the TV on to avoid going upstairs to an empty bed lonely.<\/p>\n

Last night I did both of those.\u00a0 This morning I woke up with an overwhelming, oppressive sadness.\u00a0 I had a hard time kicking it.\u00a0 It took a 15 mile bike ride and a 6 mile run before I finally figured out what my problem was.\u00a0 As I stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, eating my lunch which consisted of last night\u2019s leftovers warmed up in a take-out box (are you envisioning Diane Lane at this point?), it finally struck me.\u00a0 Today would be my 13th<\/sup> wedding anniversary.<\/p>\n

13 years ago today, I woke up surrounded by people I love.\u00a0 I was lying next to Amy.\u00a0 And Britta was in the bed next to us.\u00a0 My best friends in the world.\u00a0 We were at my parent\u2019s house in Michigan.\u00a0 I remember my mom coming in to the room for something, maybe just to see if I was awake yet on my wedding day.\u00a0 I\u2019m pretty sure my dad was in the kitchen making French toast.\u00a0 My sister was likely tending to my niece, MacKenzie, and my brother was there somewhere.\u00a0 I woke up to a house full of people I love.<\/p>\n

Today, I woke up to an empty house.\u00a0 No one.\u00a0 Other than the sound of my ceiling fan, complete silence. It took almost every ounce of energy that I had to drag myself out of bed.\u00a0 The loneliness was almost physically painful.<\/p>\n

I had a fantastic weekend while the kids were away.\u00a0 I went to Art Hill at Forest Park to drink wine and watch Casablanca with girlfriends on Friday night.\u00a0 Saturday night after working all day and church, I was a 5th<\/sup> wheel when I met friends in the loop for a round of Bags at Market House Pub, followed by bowling at Pin-Up Bowl.\u00a0 And after work Sunday, I had dinner with Nicole and Farrell.\u00a0 So, how is it possible to have such a full schedule and still feel lonely?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 It just is.<\/p>\n

For someone who actually craves alone time, it doesn\u2019t really seem like it makes any sense.\u00a0 But it is what it is.\u00a0 Tonight after work I get to pick up the kids and drive to Michigan for a few days. \u00a0There is nothing better to heal the heart than a few days in New Buffalo. \u00a0We\u2019re going to visit my mom, and play at the pool, and go to the beach, and get Shakes at Nancy\u2019s.\u00a0 And for a few days, my heart will be full to overflowing because of my kiddos.\u00a0 And on Sunday, they\u2019ll go back to their dad\u2019s.\u00a0 For a brief moment, I will breathe a sigh of relief.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll go for a run and enjoy being alone.\u00a0 And then by Sunday night, I\u2019ll probably feel lonely again.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love my friends and I know they would do anything for me, just like I would for them.\u00a0 But sometimes there are things you just have to do on your own.<\/p>\n

As I was finishing up my run today, Britney Spears came on my ipod.\u00a0 Yeah, that\u2019s right, I said Britney Spears. \u00a0Ya wanna make something of it?! Don\u2019t judge me.\u00a0 Anyway, I listened to the words \u201cMy loneliness ain\u2019t killing me no more, I\u2019m stronger than yesterday\u201d.\u00a0 \u00a0So, yeah, I\u2019m leaving the loneliness behind me one mile at a time. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll ever get used to the loneliness that comes along with my kids going back to their dad\u2019s, but I do know that I\u2019m stronger today than I was yesterday.<\/p>\n

\"On<\/a>

On the beach in MI with my babies<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I really believe that what doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger. Being a single parent is the hardest thing I\u2019ve ever done in my entire life. Sometimes I feel like I don\u2019t have a clue what I\u2019m doing. I can be very resourceful. I love being the girl who knows how to fix stuff. Sometimes […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"aside","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[6,11,7,8,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-353","post","type-post","status-publish","format-aside","hentry","category-bringthetears","category-conquering-fears","category-onbeingasingleparent","category-onthedword","category-randomthoughts","post_format-post-format-aside"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4eO4v-5H","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/353","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=353"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/353\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":382,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/353\/revisions\/382"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=353"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=353"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ramblingrunnergirl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=353"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}